Declan Cashin

Writing: the art of applying the ass to the seat

Just, ahem, came across this on the Guardian website - and I didn’t think I was easily shocked anymore. Bravo Steve Bell!

Congrats to Cork actors Cillian Murphy and Johnathan Rhys Meyers who received Golden Globe nominations today. Murphy – who’s married to the daughter of my local TD! – was recognised for his extraordinary performance as transexual Kitten Braden in Neil Jordan’s superb new movie Breakfast on Pluto.

Rhys Meyers was nominated for his title performance in the TV movie Elvis. He’s also extremely good in Woody Allen’s Match Point, which is slowly building up huge acclaim.

Murphy is going head to head with Pierce Brosnan, who’s in contention for his role in The Matador. I’m a tad reluctant to call Brosnan fully-fledged Irish. Have you seen the movie Evelyn? The man had to put on a (dreadful) Irish accent in it!

Oh how the fallen have fallen. Extremely distressing news from Hollywood today. Scanning the list of the just-announced Golden Globe nominations, I was horrified to see that the heinous movie adaptation of The Producers has been nominated for a mind-boggling 4 awards.

Now, I realise that the Golden Globes are voted for by the Foreign Press Association, a notoriously amorphous collection of hacks with worryingly bizarre tastes in movies, but even they have outdone themselves by giving this codswallop citations for [laugh out loud] Best Musical or Comedy, Best Actor for the hideous Nathan Lane, Best Supporting Actor for the appalling Will Ferrell and a Best Song nod for Mel Brooks.

I can only assume that the FPA has either not seen the movie or that they ingeniously pandered to the legendary venality of the Golden Globe voters in order to bestow some industry respect on this dreadful, offensive, interminable dross.

The 25th anniversary of John Lennon’s murder brought his killer Mark Chapman back into the public gaze and with it, a fascinating sidebar to the killing. It was revealed afterwards that Chapman was obsessed with Holden Caulfield, the protagonist of J.D Salinger’s seminal novel The Catcher in the Rye and indeed a copy of the novel was found by police amongst his possessions.

John Hinkley Jnr shot U.S President Ronald Reagan in March 1981 in a bid to impress actress Jodie Foster, whose character in the movie Taxi Driver he was fixated on. It turns out Hinckley was also a devoted fan of Salinger’s novel.

The Catcher in the Rye is, of course, the definitive ‘rights of passage’ novel. You really cannot avoid it during your teens: it will either be forced on you in school or you find it yourself and read it over and over as you rant and rave against your parents, your teachers and all the phonies out there in the world. It’s just fascinating the impact that this book has had on the public imagination. It really has something for everyone who feels like they are any way different or don’t fit in in a given environment.

The notoriously weird Salinger insisted that the novel never have a fancy cover – he prefers all his works to have a blank white cover bearing just the title, indicating that these novels are really just canvases with a little paint on them that you mould into a design that reflects your own experiences, fears, desires. Who said that television and movies are the cause of violence and copycat killings in today’s world?

[What follows is an extract from the transcript of a once-off, unbroadcast edition of the Jerry Springer Show]

Cue Music: Title reads “Capitalism cheated on me…now I’m pissed!”

Jerry: Hello and welcome to the show. Today, we’re going to be talking to people who have discovered that their lovers are cheating on them [audience goes 'woooo']. When they confronted their paramours about it, they were told ‘I found someone better’ [audience wooos again].

Please welcome Eire. She says that her beloved, Captalism, has announced that he wants an open relationship and that he has found a lover that makes him happier [audience noise].

Hi Eire.

Eire: Hi Jerry.

Jerry: Eire, we’ve had Capitalism on this show many times so we’re familiar with your problem but tell me about your relationship with him.

Eire: Well Jerry, it’s like this. I’ve been involved with Capitalism for years. I had longed for him for ages beforehand and I bent over backwards and made enormous sacrifices to attract him. I eventually hooked him after an enormous struggle and it was great. We had a couple of wonderful years together. He wined and dined me, promised me the moon and the stars. He spoiled me rotten, I wanted for nothing, he seduced me with flash gifts – he swept me off my feet basically.

[Eire's voice trembles, she swallows a tear]

I’m sorry.

Eire: It’s ok Eire, in your own time.

Eire: Suddenly things changed. He was distant. He said that I was making too many demands on him, that I was too expensive for him. It’s his fault for keeping me in the style that I became accustomed to. That’s when I discovered…his other lovers.

[audience inhales, some laughter].

Jerry: Go on, Eire.

Eire: I knew that he was shopping around for people, I know him better than he thinks. Afterall, I know I lured him away from other people to begin with. He’s a heartless BLEEP really. Suddenly, he was all “Well, this person makes it easier for me to grow as a person” and “That person doesn’t want to hold me down like you do”. I was so angry and hurt. I badmouthed him to all my friends, but he doesn’t care. He just tells me: “There’s plenty more where you come from”.

[audience woos]

Jerry: Well, we have Capitalism waiting back stage [audience chatter excitedly]. Eire, are you ready to confront him?

Eire: I sure am. Bring it on! [audience hollers]

Jerry: Come on out Capitalism.

[audience erupts in cheers, boos]

Capitalism: [shouting above the noise] Listen honey, I never promised you nothing, alright? You want me to be honest? I was using you, ok? You were available, you gave me what I needed. Yeah, we had some great times, but I need to move on. It’s not in my nature to settle for one person, I want to have as many as I can [audience boos, some cheers]. You knew that when you got involved with me so don’t start moaning now!

Eire: Why you son of a BLEEP! [Leaps up from chair and lunges at Capitalism]. I’m gonna BLEEP-ing kill you, you rotten BLEEP-er, how could you betray me like that?!

[Steve the bouncer rushes on stage and restrains Eire]

Capitalism: Whatever honey, talk to the hand cos the face aint listenin.

Eire: You BLEEP! [shakes off Steve, rushes at Cap.]

[Capitalism places his hand on Eire's face and keeps her at arms length laughing].

Eire: What have they got that I don’t huh?!

[Capitalism laughs and sways his pelvis in a sexual matter]

Eire: YOU BLEEP!

[Steve has to carry Eire off stage, she cannot be restrained. Capitalism stays on stage, unfazed, laughing]

Jerry: Capitalism, have you anything to say for yourself…again?

Capitalism: Jerry, I aint ever gonna change so I’m warning y’all out there watching today: you might all want my good, good lovin but I will always be looking for someone better.

[audience hollers, boos, cheers. The din is overwhelming]

Jerry: Well, it looks like I’m going to have to wrap this up. Capitalism…well, what can I say? You never change so I guess I’ll see you here again. Eire, I hope you can find some peace with the reality of Capitalism and maybe accept that your golden days with him are over.

[Jerry's Final Thought]

We’ve had to re-learn a painful lesson here today. Capitalism is a self-confessed, serial adulterer. He won’t settle for just one person: he’s always looking out for that next find, the one that’s cheaper, hotter, has more to offer in a number of ways. As Eire has realised tonight and many more before her, you can’t completely submit yourself to Capitalism’s charms and demands and then cry foul when he finds someone else willing to go one better than you. It’s what he thrives on.

By staying in a relationship with the adultrous Capitalism, you are putting a great deal of your future, your wealth and your health at risk. It’s the thrill of this risk that keep us coming back. He’s proven time and again that he is the only one that can really give people what they need. But he is ruthless, selfish, greedy and opportunistic and Eire will have to accept that she can’t Ferrie well benefit enormously from Capitalism’s flattery and expect to have it stay that way forever. The more attention he gives us, the more we demand and that’s normally when he begins to look for the competition.

I’ll see you again next time but until then, take care of yourselves…and each other.

[fade to music]

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman…

Best Actress:

2005 will surely be remembered as one of the worst years in living memory for actresses in Hollywood. There is a frightening dearth of decent roles this year, the weakest in over a decade.

Even in recent years, where there was some competition, the eventual winners were all beautiful actresses who had to ‘dress down’ or ‘go ugly’ in order to win. Hilary Swank won her first Best Actress Oscar for playing a transexual in Boys Don’t Cry (1999) ; Halle Berry scrubbed down for her role in Monsters’ Ball (2001) ; Nicole Kidman famously donned a prosthetic nose to play Virginia Woolf in The Hours (2002) and Charlize Theron underwent a remarkable transformation for her Oscar winning portrayal of serial killer Aileen Wuornos in Monster (2003).

The miserable selection of performances that could be considered legitimately award worthy means that just about any female performance could sneak in this year.

Rom-com queen Reese Witherspoon is the early favourite for her role as long suffering June Carter Cash in Walk the Line, a performance that has comprehensively silenced the critics who said Witherspoon couldn’t do drama. The awards recently have all gone to young actresses so she could well be crowned this year.

Former winners Charlize Theron and Gwyneth Paltrow are potential nominees for movies that have not exactly overwhelmed critics – Theron as a striking miner in North Country and Paltrow for the adaptation of stage-play Proof. Similarly Desperate Housewife Felicity Huffman has received good reviews for playing a transexual in Transamerica, a road movie that has divided critics. Huffman has the gargantuan Miramax publicity machine behind her plus an Emmy winning role in a high profile TV show so she stands a good chance.

Another youngun, Claire Danes, has gotten raves for her role opposite Steve Martin in Shopgirl as has past nominee Joan Allen for The Upside of Anger. The Brits will be angling for nominations for The Jaw aka Keira Knightley for Pride and Prejudice (which has gone done a storm on both sides of the Atlantic) and for perennial nominee/winner Dame Judi Dench for the so-so Mrs Henderson Presents. In light of the anaemic competition, the studio might well bump Rachel Weisz up to lead status for her superb performance in The Constant Gardener. Naomi Watts is suddenly a contender for the scream queen role in King Kong – yes, that’s the kind of year it’s been for actresses.

Best Supporting Actress:

The Supporting category is a bit more hopeful than the Lead one. Weisz would be a strong contender here but if she’s competing as a Lead, the field is left wide open. Old-timers Shirley MacLaine and Diane Keaton have the kind of scenery-chewing roles in their respective movies In Her Shoes and The Family Stone that walk off with Supporting awards. Past winner Frances McDormand could get in for North Country as could the brilliant Laura Linney for The Squid and the Whale.

The indie favourites should feature strongly here too. Amy Adams is building support for her role in Junebug and Hope Davis could sneak in for Proof. Catherine Keener stands a great chance for playing ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ author Harper Lee in Capote. Dawson’s Creek alum Michelle Williams has received remarkable reviews for her turn in Brokeback Mountain and Sandra Bullock could break through into Hollywood respectabilty by way of her against- type performance in Crash.

Let’s hear it for the boys…

Best Actor:

Last year, four out of the five Best Actor nominees were actors playing real-life people. This year, biopics look set to dominate again. Top of this pile are Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line, Philip Seymour Hoffman as gay writer Truman Capote in Capote, David Strathairn as Edward R. Murrow in Good Night and Good Luck and the surliest man in town, Russell Crowe as boxer Jim Braddock in Cinderella Man.

Phoenix is the early favourite but he will have to see off increasing buzz from Aussie actor Heath Ledger who is receiving rave reviews for his portrayal of a repressed gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain. Repressed emotions is what Ralph Fiennes does particularly well in The Constant Gardener and gathering momentum for Munich might make Eric Bana a contender too.

There is always room for the indie favourites in acting categories these days and there are more than enough actors competing for limited space here. Irish eyes will be looking on Cillian Murphy for his extraordinary performace in Breakfast on Pluto, although an anticipated mixed reaction to the movie could set him back. Viggo Mortenson does good work in A History Of Violence and who couldn’t love recidivist Robert Downey Jnr in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang?

Jeff Daniels is getting the best reviews of his career for divorce drama The Squid and the Whale whilst Cannes winner Tommy Lee Jones enters the race with his self-directed movie The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, which should get an Oscar for Worst and Most Unmarketable title of the year. Can’t rule out George Clooney for Syriana, Terence Howard for Hustle and Flow, Jake Gyllenhall for Gulf War drama Jarhead and Bill Murray for another deadpan, hangdog performance in Broken Flowers.

Best Supporting Actor:

The supporting categories often allow the Academy to be more adventurous so they are always worth watching out for. Having said that, they can also be used as a Lifetime Achievement prize or as an evenue to correct a grave wrong from previous ceremonies. Last years’ Oscar snubee Paul Giamatti could well be rewarded this year for his turn in Cinderella Man.

Donald Sutherland might bag his first – yes, his first – Oscar nomination for his role as the Bennett patriarch in Pride and Prejudice. Semi-old timer Craig T. Nelson might also make his Oscar debut for his effective performance in The Family Stone. Young guns are also gearing up for the race. Jake Gyllenhall is almost a lock to be nominated for Brokeback Mountain. His Jarhead co-star Peter Saarsgard – arguably Hollywood’s most interesting and talented actor – might feature here too. Ensemble drama Crash offers a raft of potential nominees – Terence Howard, Don Cheadle and, best of all, Matt Dillon in a career best performance.

Munich also features former winner Geoffrey Rush (Best Actor, Shine, 1996) and new Bond Daniel Craig. Frank Langella is a strong contender for Good Night and Good Luck, as is Chris Cooper in Capote, Steve Martin for Shopgirl and Kevin Costner in The Upside of Anger. Val Kilmer – yes, him – should be taken seriously for some great work in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

Quentin Fottrell wrote a superb article in last weekend’s Sunday Tribune about homophobia in Irish life, implicitely reinforced by the Catholic Church’s medieval thinking on the topic. You can read it here.

The so-called cultural wars really came to the fore in last year’s Presidential race in the United States. The enormous controversy caused by two movies demonstrated just how polarised the nation had become. Conservatives embraced Mel Gibson’s epic ‘The Passion of the Christ’ whilst liberals championed Michael Moore’s devastating Bush-basher ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’.

This summer, the Conservative side claimed a new cinematic ally in their fight against the pinko enemy. ‘March of the Penguins’ provided a sufficiently blank canvas for people to project whatever qualities onto it that they wished. To fundamentalist Christians, such as the “Concerned Women for America”, this movie argued against evolution, abortion and homosexuality and strongly endorsed monogamy, child-rearing and ‘intelligent design’.

‘March of the Penguins’, which is released here on December 9th, should not be hijacked by politics because it is a beautiful, funny, fascinating and moving film. If I give you a plot summary, you’ll just look at me funny: it’s about the mating rituals of Emperor penguins in the South Pole. See? I knew you’d raise your eyebrows! But please take my word for it. These penguins will have to compete for cinematic space with Narnia and King Kong but please don’t miss this movie that will instil the kind of wonder in all hearts and minds that no CGI-laden special effects extravaganza can match.

It’s getting to that time of the movie year again when CGI-laden blockbusters and event movies, not to mention movies that end in a number, all fizzle out and the Hollywood studios reveal their prestige pictures that they hope will bag them some of the plethora of awards that carry so much currency (literally and metaphorically) in Tinseltown today.

Nominations for the Golden Globe awards – which are bafflingly influential on Oscar voters – are announced on December 19th and from there, it will be a non-stop gong-fest until the mother of all tear-stained, over-earnest, self-congratulatory Bacchanalia arrrives: Oscar night on March 5th next year.

Upon hearing that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had been formed to hand out Oscar awards in 1927, one famous studio exec allegedly said: ‘What art? What science?’The Oscars are constantly being disparaged by critics, industry insiders and even actors – Marlon Brando and George C. Scott being their most famous critics. Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep and Sean Penn all later denounced the awards but quickly changed their tune when they actually won an award. Everyone in Hollywood wants to win an Oscar and anyone who says otherwise is a total liar. The industry is obsessed with the awards and every studio times their releases every year to cash in on award fever.

So here are a few of the movies in contention as well as the actors and directors hoping for a chance to hide their grimaces and desperation behind a fake smile in one of the five camera shots as some extravagantly paid, overly gift-basketed presenter says ‘And the Oscar goes to…

This posting will look at the movies competing for the big cheese – Best picture of the year. The acting categories will follow later!

Best Picture:
This year, movies that tackle topical and political issues are at the top of all critics lists for awards. Many are commenting on how this year is to be the Year of the Gay in Hollywood – gay characters, that is, not gay actors. Heaven forbid! Besides, there are no gay actors in Hollywood anyway, right? (There are just superstars who pay young actresses to be in relationships with them, convert them to Scientology and have babies in a manner that makes the movie Rosemary’s Baby look positively normal).

The traditional route to winning an Oscar in the past – as parodied so well by Kate Winslet in Ricky Gervais’ Extras – is to play a character with a disabilty or mental illness. This year, Hollywood is treating homosexuality as the new disabilty – it gives actors meaty (!) roles to sink their teeth into, especially considering that movies tend to treat homosexuality as being an enormous trauma. This disturbing trend nevertheless gives actors the chance to emote, convey desires and emotions with their eyes and body language – and all that other claptrap that Lee Strasberg graduates will spout on about in interviews (as well as constantly reminding us of their real-life heterosexuality lest there be any doubt).

Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee’s adaptation of Annie Proulx’s novella about a doomed love affair between two Wyoming ranchhands – Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall – is really the one to watch for this year. Observing the reaction to a movie that debunks myths about cowboys and traditional masculinity in a country where some states have adopted constitutional bans on gay marriage will be fascinating to behold.

Promising to be even more controversial is Steven Spielberg’s latest Munich, which he finished in rapid time in order for it to be eligible for this year’s awards. The action of the movie takes place in the aftermath of the 1972 Olympics where 11 Israeli athletes were killed by members of the Palestinian terrorist group, Black September. The film focuses on the Mossad agents sent by the Israeli government to hunt down the killers. A Jewish director entering the wasps nest that is the Arab-Israeli conflict is sure to provoke enormous debate over the next few months. Time Magazine has already devoted its latest cover to the movie.

2005 is also looking up to be the year of George Clooney. Stephen Gaghan, the Oscar winning screenwriter of Traffic (2000), is the writer-director of Syriana, a political thriller based upon the explosive contemporary topic of oil control in the Persian Gulf. Clooney himself serves as director, co-writer and star of Good Night and Good Luck, a highly praised account of legendary journalist Edward R. Murrow’s battle against the Senator Joe McCarthy’s House UnAmerican Activities Committee in the 1950s. Like most historical films, Good Night registers many present-day anxieties and comparisons between McCarthyism and the censorious climate of George W. Bush’s America have already been fiercely debated Stateside. One look at the film’s various taglines indicate where Clooney’s political sympathies lie: ‘In A Nation Terrorized By Its Own Government, One Man Dared to Tell The Truth’ and ‘We will not walk in fear of one another’.

Clooney stands a chance of being nominated as an actor in Syriana and Good Night as well as director and screenwriter of the latter. Not bad for the man who starred in the abominable Batman and Robin!

Rob Marshall, who directed Chicago to Oscar glory three years ago, is in contention this year for an adaptation of Arthur Holden’s Memoirs of a Geisha. The movie is building considerable attention, particularly for it’s stars Ziyi Zhang and Gong Li. Whether they can penetrate the astonishing racism of the Academy remains to be seen.

Biopics are strongly represented again this year. Walk the Line tells the story of the late, great Johnny Cash and his wife June Carter Cash, played by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon, who both perform their own singing, and, by all account, deliver superb performances on top of it. Philip Seymour Hoffman, an actor better known to most viewers as ‘What was he in again?’ headlines the biopic of flamboyant journalist Truman Capote in Capote. Incredible reviews are pushing Hoffman to the fore for the acting prizes which was enough to earn Ray a Best Picture nod last year largely on the strenth of Jamie Foxx’s performance.

Other contenders include the superb and avowedly political The Constant Gardener, directed by City of God helmer Fernando Meirelles and featuring strong lead performances from Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz. The early releases for Ron Howard’s Cinderella Man and Paul Haggis’ melting-pot drama Crash might see them struggling to stand out in voter’s memories during the end of year rush. David Cronenberg’s ambiguous and thought-provoking A History of Violence must be in the running and, just this week, surprisingly excellent reviews are arriving in for the movie that might well challenge Titanic to be the biggest in the history of cinema: Peter Jackson’s remake of King Kong. Can the big hairy ape – Kong, not Peter Jackson – make it onto the Best Picture roster?

It’s possible that Kong will snag the place on the list that is often set aside for the ‘serious comedy’ or the more light-hearted contender. Musicals are given far more weight these days and fantasy films cannot be ruled out in the wake of Lord of the Rings’ Oscar haul of 11 trophies 2 years ago. For that reason, The Chronicles of Narnia, Mrs Henderson Presents and Pride and Prejudice might be legitimate runners. Mixed reviews for the movie adaptation of stage musical Rent will hurt its chances and, having seen the movie adaptation of the musical The Producers , I can say that it is unfathomably dreadful and if it gets a single Oscar nomination, I am boycotting the awards. But then again, the whole point of that movie is that there is no accounting for taste and that is certainly a guiding maxim of the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts and Sciences (Hello? Forrest Gump, A Beautiful Mind and Chicago are all recent winners here!)